When you consider goals or intentions for the new year, thoughts of fitness, diet, stress reduction, or specific projects might come to mind.

But do you stop to reflect on your intimacy intentions for the new year?*

When I write about intimacy, I am referring to the big picture of intimacy, including the physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual components. I think that intimacy with ourselves and intimacy with another requires a shedding of armor that many of us have built over the years as protection from emotional pain. While this armor definitely protects us from pain in the short term, in the long run it can create more pain because it causes problems in the relationships that matter most to us. It also limits us from experiencing some of the best of what human connection has to offer.

In my book, From Madness to Mindfulness: Reinventing Sex for Women, I write:

The most important part of intimacy is being vulnerable with someone else and receiving that vulnerability in return. You might use the word vulnerable to represent weakness—allowing yourself to be vulnerable to attack or to be hurt. This is one definition of the word. However, at the core of that definition, and the one I use, is choosing to put your armor down.
When I write about vulnerability, it actually represents the opposite of weakness. To choose to be vulnerable with another person requires strength. It means feeling secure enough in yourself and with the other person to let your walls down. It’s letting them see and experience the real you, in all your human beauty and messiness. And it’s allowing the other person to do the same. This takes a lot of courage. It can be the most terrifying thing to do with another human being because of the potential of feeling judged when you’ve dismantled your emotional armor. Such judgment can feel like an attack on your core self. On the flip side, vulnerability is also the most beautiful and profound experience to have with another human, because there are no walls of emotional separation between you. Verbal communication at this level is profound.
Committing to this kind of vulnerability is a personal pledge to build more ‘conscious’ relationships—that is, relationships committed to individual personal growth and also relationship growth. There are four factors most relevant in creating or maintaining a conscious relationship: authenticity, vulnerability, compassion, and mindfulness.

What resonated with you from the above passage? If you’ve ever experienced this kind of intimacy, then you might be feeling a fluttery sensation in your chest or solar plexus just reading about it. It feels incredibly exciting but also scary!

At the start of reading this article, you might have thought that setting an “intimacy intention” would be about how many times you want to have sex this year, or how you want to improve your orgasm. These things are important to reflect on, so definitely include them in your intentions for the year as you reflect overall on “intimacy.” But the kinds of “goals” I’m encouraging you to create are around your ability to deeply connect with others. Instead of what you want to “do” this year, I’m encouraging you to consider how you want to “be” this year.

Grab a piece of paper and pen right now, and jot down quick answers to the following questions:

1. How comfortable are you being vulnerable with an intimate partner? Why or why not?

2. Do you feel like you experience a balance in authenticity, vulnerability, compassion, and mindfulness in your intimate partnerships? (E.g., You feel comfortable being truthful and raw, while also being kind to yourself and aware of your partner’s feelings?)

3. What are you most afraid of or where do you not feel “worthy” regarding sexual expression, emotional openness, or self-love?

4. What new “being” state would you like to cultivate in 2020 in your intimate connections (e.g., openness, exploration, fun, adventure, communication, lightness, vulnerability, voicing needs, self-compassion, or emotional resilience)?

5. What one thing could you commit to doing differently, trying, or learning more about, in the realm of intimacy to kick off 2020?

After getting an initial sense of your answers, I suggest that you spend at least 30 minutes reflecting and writing in more depth. These are also powerful topics to discuss with an intimate partner or close friends. We don’t talk enough about these topics, and therefore end up unhappy, miscommunicating, or feeling alone. Even talking about this with friends can help build your skills in vulnerability and authenticity, so that you can better communicate in your partnerships.

Perhaps at the start of every month in 2020, you could review these questions and your notes, and commit to something new for Question #5. There are no right or wrong answers or paths forward, but do push yourself gently and consistently to expand outside your comfort zone. Give yourself the opportunity to experience the best of what intimacy has to offer.

I wish you a happy, healthy, and connected 2020.

*(I understand that the new year can be a rather arbitrary time to reflect and set intentions, based on our socially-constructed social norms. Nonetheless, I think any ritualized times to reflect on what’s working or not in our lives, what brings us joy versus what leads to stress, and what most fulfills us, is invaluable. Intimacy can be an important part of life satisfaction and fulfillment to continual reflect on.)

~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist, Intimacy Speaker & Sociologist