Stop Spewing Your Toxic Positivity

I started this blog almost a year ago, and on March 18, 2020, sent it to a friend for his feedback. I never posted it because I didn’t want to spew my anger online if I wasn’t sure it could be helpful in an already incredibly difficult time period.

But yesterday I heard the term “toxic positivity” for the first time and remembered this blog. Dr. Susan David recently stated on Brene Brown’s Dare to Lead podcast, “Toxic positivity is forced false positivity. It may sound innocuous on the surface, but when you share something difficult with someone and they insist that you turn it into a positive, what they’re really saying is, My comfort is more important than your reality.”

So I’m posting this blog in its entirety with only light grammatical editing. I think it holds up pretty well almost a year later. I add a short afterthought at the end as well. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this and your personal experiences.

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What is Really Takes to Emotionally Support Others Through a Crisis

“We’ll get through this.”

“It’s an opportunity to bring our society together.”

“We’re all going to get coronavirus anyway, so stop freaking out.”

A little background on me: I’m an optimist. Gratefully, I inherited that trait from my mom. Plus, through years of personal growth work and practicing what I preach around applied mindfulness, I have a decent level of emotional resilience.

So, I’m not prone to overreacting. I’m a passionate, outspoken (some say loud) person, but I also practice equanimity. I am a positive AND grounded person.

Yet I don’t want to hear your f***ing platitudes right now.

1. “We’ll get through this.”

First off, who is WE? Will WE as a society get through this? Yes, of course. But that’s like celebrating that your side won a war, without acknowledging all of the very real suffering and loss for many people on your side, and how their lives are forever changed. (Let alone the casualties on the “other side.”) It feels tone-deaf to the reality of so many American lives right now. Let’s figure out how to help ourselves and others, day by day, before jumping to the dismissiveness of “we’ll get through this.”

2. “It’s an opportunity to bring our society together.”

I already live within communities of folks who look out for each other, step up for those in need, regularly donate and volunteer, and have a more collaborative view on living. I don’t need a global pandemic to suddenly see the good in the people.

And frankly, there is still tons of fake news, denial, and blaming going on, and it will continue to go on because we’re scared and confused. And this includes harmful misinformation from the top of our government. In some ways, this is causing even more divisiveness along political lines. Plus, while people and organizations are stepping up in beautiful ways to support each other, lots of people live their lives already doing this. And a pandemic like this painfully elucidates our existing inequalities. We don’t need a global pandemic to “bring our society together.”

3. “We’re all going to get coronavirus anyway, so stop freaking out.”

I agree, let’s not “freak out.” Let’s support each other in keeping clear heads and cultivating critical thinking. But let’s not undermine how much we need to NOT all get this.

If you need to understand why not caring if we all get this is ignorant, listen to the March 17, 2020, episode of The Daily podcast through The New York Times. You’ll hear about an Italian university professor and head of the respiratory unit in a local hospital, and the horrible decisions he’s had to make about which human lives matter more, due to his hospital resources being overwhelmed.

I know through my personal growth work, work with clients, and the research in compassion and positive psychology, that there is great value in acknowledging our own challenges and suffering, and most certainly that of others. While there's a lot of stupidity and overreaction in unhelpful ways right now, there are many, many people whose livelihood and/or health will be terribly impacted, as well as that of their families.

After days of feeling irritated as hell and emotionally reactive to these platitudes, I was finally able to take a step back this morning and consider why some individuals are taking this approach. We all react differently to stress. Regarding the versions of impudent trivializing I’ve encountered, I think there are two potential factors going on.

One is a self-centered perspective and an inability to acknowledge the difficulties of others, without feeling like it somehow detracts from one’s own difficulties. These are the folks who have been quick to respond to recent social movements with, “But ALL Lives Matter” and “#MeToo…but what about men?” They don’t seem to have the empathy required to stand in the shoes of others in a fully altruistic way.

The other category of individuals seem to be motivated by a need to feel in control. I think perhaps they don’t have the capacity to sit with this level of suffering and fear, and therefore are telling me and others how to feel or what do, because it makes them feel better. I think by feeling smart, helpful, or in control, they are making themselves feel better.

All of that makes me feel worse.

As this is a personal essay, I’ll speak to what would actually make ME feel better.

I want acknowledgment of the complexity of what’s happening. I want conversations about who’s going to be hardest hit financially, physically, and emotionally. I want real connection about the fear and uncertainty we feel, and what we’ve already lost. I want nuance, awareness, kindness, presence, authenticity, and social consciousness.

I don’t need your platitudes. I need to feel your empathy. I need to feel your compassion.

Compassion necessitates the ability and willingness to feel the suffering of others (and one’s own emotional turmoil). This level of embodied mindfulness requires courage. And once you’ve sat with that emotional and visceral discomfort and faced it with bravery, then you can consider what is needed to truly be compassionate to others.

And then, and only then, will I listen to you and talk with you about how to move through this and more forward. And I’m always happy to celebrate the little wins and kindnesses along the way.

But until then, please stop putting icing on this shit cupcake.

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Afterthought:

For clarity’s sake, I want to be direct in saying that I’m not encouraging wallowing in negativity or surrounding yourself with people who are negative all the time. I’m talking about allowing the space inside you for all that IS – the sadness, fear, uncertainty, disappointment, as well as the appreciations, thinking outside the box, and hopefulness.

But don’t eschew one for the other.

Accepting the complexity of being a human allows others to fully feel their experiences.

All of these emotions are part of our realities, and it’s all part of healing and connecting deeply to others.

-Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus — San Diego Intimacy Coach, Keynote Speaker, & Sociologist