Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, sociologist and sexologist, writes her sex advice and gender commentary blog. The sex blog includes relationship advice, free sex education videos, sex tips, sex-positive mindfulness, and podcast interviews.
~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist, Sex Speaker, Sociologist
Does the thought of donning a wig and feather boa in the bedroom sound silly, sexy, or somewhere in between? Since we're in the Halloween spirit, this morning on San Diego Living I discussed how costumes and props can be used all year long to turn a stale, serious, or predictable sex life into one that oozes fun, surprise, permission, and creativity.
Do you know that feeling when you’re talking to someone new and they understand something deep and complicated about you that others don’t easily understand? Or you’re talking about something abstract that you don’t know how to explain clearly, and yet you know they just get you? Perhaps you’re chatting with someone at a party and after a short time you’re joking to others that this is your new BFF. To quickly feel like a new person knows you can feel deep, important, and special. I think it eliminates the boundaries between us and another human. We’re not alone because it’s like they’re unexpectedly in our head with us.
The allure of feeling known has been on my mind this week since reading the novel “Mrs. Poe” by Lynn Cullen. It’s historical fiction based in New York City in the mid-1840s, about Edgar Allen Poe, his dying young wife, and another poet, Frances Osgood, with whom he had an alleged affair. Poe was drawn to Mrs. Osgood (who was married to a philandering, absent artist) because of his respect for her poetry. This led to conversations in which he felt understood in the complexity of his existence and worldview in ways his wife didn’t and others couldn’t. For example:
He caressed me with a grateful gaze. “How well you understand me. I cannot say I have ever felt this from another person—I knew it the minute I met you. Thank you.”
Poe believed that their professional relationship, friendship, and eventual sexual relationship were meant to be, because their connection was unique and special.
He looked down at me. “You and I, we need no devices or codes to communicate over distance. You feel it, don’t you?”
I rested my cheek against his arm, storing up his scent and the feel of his shoulders as I gathered the strength to part from him. “Yes.”
His chest rose against my back. “I can be at work on a story, or walking to my office, or just brushing my coat, and I can feel your longing for me. If you ever need me, just bend your thoughts toward me, and, Frances, I shall come.”
For a tortured soul like Poe, haunted by his insecurities, loneliness, and obsession with death, I think this was deeply reassuring. Just like we all have our demons in one way or another, Poe was no longer alone in the world with his demons.
This book resonated with me because one way I feel known is through intellectually stimulating conversations. I’m drawn to people with whom I can hash out intellectual, philosophical, and emotional topics, in a respectful manner, building off the knowledge and insights of each other. It’s about the challenge of the discussion—challenging myself to think broader and more creatively, and challenging the other person with my additions. It’s building on each other’s worldviews, and considering the meaning and practical applications of our insights. It’s also play and fun. Feeling in sync with another human, like our minds are working as one, feels like someone deeply gets me. These are peak experiences.
What’s the opposite of feeling known? Feeling lonely, isolated, disregarded, dismissed, misunderstood, shut down, or silenced. These feel bad. For me, the former two feel sad, and the latter five feel powerless. I’m curious to hear about in what contexts others feel known? Certainly sexual intimacy is a realm ripe for such connection, but as I’ve explored here, there are many ways this can happen. How do you most feel known and understood?
~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego -- Sexologist, Sociologist, Sexuality Speaker
With Comic Con in full swing in downtown San Diego right now, I’m having flashbacks to Wonder Woman from my childhood. And since I’m in the sex field, not surprisingly this progressed to me reflecting on Wonder Woman as a sexual archetype. An archetype is a constellation of personality traits that form a recognizable character, such as the Mother, the Warrior, or the Teacher. If someone asked you to enact one of these roles, you’d have a good idea of what to do because they make sense to us.
I expand on this concept of archetypes to include sexual archetypes who can help us grow in our sexual identities. Do you like who you are in the bedroom? Do you express yourself authentically and fully in sexually encounters? Do you bring the best of you to sex? If not, a sexual archetype can be a tool for growth.
Due to the stigmas and discomfort we have around full sexual expression in the United States, sexual expression can often be stifled. If you have a fear of sexual rejection or fear of sexual judgment for being authentically sexually you (who grows up in this society and doesn’t?!), it can feel terrifying to try something different.
One way to break through your sexual blocks is to choose a sexual archetype with whom you identify. While we have archetype understandings of the Seductress or the Whore or the Goddess, I like to extend this to our cultural icons. What Hollywood star, movie or television character, or book persona exudes a sexual energy you’d like to embody? This is beyond role-playing because you are pulling out parts of yourself and developing comfort with them, with the intention of long-term integration.
It’s important to recognize the difference here between “performance” and “authentic” sexual expression. I’m not suggesting that you “perform porn star,” but that you tap into an energy of expression that resonates deeply with you, but has been blocked or never developed. An archetype allows a big shift in perspective that offers permission to access and express new depths of your sexual being. So who do you want to be? If you're interested in learning more about the origins of the Wonder Woman character, check out my video from awhile ago about Wonder Woman.
~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sociologist, Sexologist, Sexuality Speaker
(Photo of Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman from: http://bestofbothworldsaz.com/2011/03/12/wonder-woman-lynda-carter-an-arizona-beauty-2/)
This is fun video we shot with a group of friends...would your "best case scenario" look like this? Orgasms for all!
~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sociologist, Sexologist, Sexuality Speaker
If a vulva could sing and comment on Christmas carols, what might she say? Find out here as Mulva the Talking Vulva sings and shares her views on some holiday favorites. Some are silly, some sexist, and some are just plain creepy!
~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sexologist, Sexuality Speaker, Sociologist, Sex Coach
I was recently interviewed by ANTIVIEW, a site that brings creativity and challenge back to journalism and interviewing. The questions were the opposite of what I'm used to, e.g., What am I not? How doesn't someone become a sex expert? I have included the first portion of the interview below, but please click on the link to go to the ANTIVIEW site to read the rest!
WHAT ARE YOU NOT?
I do not sleep with my clients or watch them have sex.
I am not a psychologist or a marriage and family therapist.
I do not have orgies on the weekends (although I’m not opposed to the idea!).
I’m not ungrounded or “woo-woo,” although I do take a holistic approach to my work.
I am not a man-hater, although I identify with feminism, and I do not take sides in my counseling work.
I do not make people feel bad about being sexual under their own terms and by their own definitions.
There are a lot of assumptions about my kind of work, so it’s fun to be able to articulate, off the bat, what I am not!
Read the rest of the article at ANTIVIEW.
~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego, CA -- Sex Coach, Sexologist, Sex Expert, Sociologist
Dr. Jenn is a sociologist and relationship & sexuality speaker who challenges our cultural beliefs around sex, sexual consent, gender roles, and health intimacy, with a mindfulness and compassionate approach. Her site includes a sex blog, free sex education videos, sexuality speaking information, and mindfulness resources.
