Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, sociologist and sexologist, writes her sex advice and gender commentary blog. The sex blog includes relationship advice, free sex education videos, sex tips, sex-positive mindfulness, and podcast interviews.
Why does desire often fade in long-term relationships? What gets in the way of feeling sexual desire towards your partner in a long-term relationship or marriage (even when you still find them attractive)? And what are tips to cultivate more sexual desire? I sat down (over Zoom) with Sarah Regan at mindbodygreen to talk through all of these questions and get into the nitty gritty of sexual desire….
Read MoreLow or lost sexual desire is one of the most common intimacy concerns in long-term relationships. I was asked, along with 39 other sex experts, to share my advice on how to reignite lost sexual desire. This was my response: “Sexual desire is a tricky thing, and still not well understood. And low sexual desire…
Read MoreThese folks are fun! Carol and David are lifestyle folks, which means they are together as a couple while also active as swingers. However, they don't just pursue their own connection and pleasure, but also want to help other people overcome shame and stigma around sexuality and sexual expression.
Read MoreWhat more can I say, than what is in the title?! This will be an ongoing series -- this one is about women and their lost libidos. Take a look for the next one minute and 20 seconds :)
Read MoreWhat do people usually think of, when they hear "hotter sex"? Adding new exciting things to their sex life, like new positions, lingerie, role playing, or anything that seems "crazy" and hot. But this approach isn't necessarily helpful or sustainable because it's only half the picture. I discuss this with Clint August on San Diego Living.
Read MoreThere are a lot of women in America who struggle with some aspect of their sexuality. Nonetheless, I'm not a fan of the terminology "female sexual dysfunction." So the first step to "overcoming" this, is to let go of this pathologizing phrase. Women's sexual desire and experiences have a very broad range of "normal," so don't assume there's something dysfunctional going on.
Speaking about Female Sexual Dysfunction at the Women's Health Conversations Conference in Pittsburgh, PAWhen this terminology is used, it's generally referring to low sexual desire in women. In long term relationships, this is very common; so common, I would actually call it the norm. This is not problematic, in and of itself. Where it can be a concern, is if the woman misses her sexual feelings and desire, or if her partner is not feeling fulfilled sexually (which can then be related to not feeling loved or connected).
So if this is a concern of yours, what can you do about it? I think it's important to figure out the main factors at the heart of your low desire. Is everything else amazing in your relationship, but you just feel no drive? Then find out what does get your juices going, whether reading erotica, touching yourself, or fantasizing, and commit to doing that a few times a week to remind your body that you can feel desire.
Do you carry resentments towards your partner because you feel unloved or not nurtured? Take the 5 Love Languages Quiz and figure out how to ask for and get your needs met. Are you bored with sex and try to avoid it? Check out books like Getting the Sex You Want or Urban Tantra to reinvent your sexual landscape. Are you way too tired at the end of the day to even consider sex? Start scheduling "intimacy time" during mornings or weekend afternoons; just start with cuddling or Happy Naked Fun Time, and see what blossoms. Do you struggle like many women do, with thinking your body isn't attractive enough or perfect? Write a list of 20 things you love about your body and review that every day to retrain your brain towards appreciation.
Are you experiencing pain during sex? If so, it's no wonder you don't desire sex! Try to identify where the pain is located...is it deep inside? Then notice if certain times of the month and certain positions make a difference. Is it near the entrance? Perhaps a new thicker lubricant could help. Although there are some serious reasons why pain may be present (e.g., vaginismus), the most common reason is that the sexual interaction is moving along too quickly and your body hasn't had enough time to warm up and get blood flow and engorgement of your genitals. Women can take upwards of 20 minutes to be fully aroused, and that's even when you're enjoying what's going on! So ask your partner to slow things down.
And finally, are you giving yourself permission to be a fully sexual woman? Do you negatively judge a "very sexual woman"? Perhaps you're still carrying the heavy messages around being a "good girl" that you grew up with, and they are interfering with being present and having fun during sex. Write down all the traits that you think are part of enjoying sexual activity, and one by one start integrating them into your sexual interactions. You get to decide who you want to be as a sexual woman.
If you're experiencing low desire as a woman, you are definitely not alone! I hope this gives you a few new directions to consider in addressing this.
~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, San Diego Sexologist, Sex Speaker, Sociologist
Dr. Jenn is a sociologist and relationship & sexuality speaker who challenges our cultural beliefs around sex, sexual consent, gender roles, and health intimacy, with a mindfulness and compassionate approach. Her site includes a sex blog, free sex education videos, sexuality speaking information, and mindfulness resources.
